We have been talking about a pastor’s grief that is frequently unrecognized as the best of pastors engage in ministry. The cumulative build up of unattended grief in ministry can have a serious effect on a pastor’s physical and emotional health. Like doctors, some pastors build a shield around them to protect them from the hurt. In doing so, they damage the compassionate skill that made them a good pastor.
Up to this point, we have referred to the normal causes of grief such as illness, death, and other shocking events. There are some other sources of grief which a pastor experiences. Consider the grief felt by a pastor when the marriage of a beloved couple in the congregation falls apart.
I know of one newly arrived pastor who experienced the marriage disruption of a member of the search committee that she had been counting on to support her in her transition into the congregation. Another pastor and wife had enjoyed the friendship of a couple in the congregation and felt they had found soul-mates in which they could share joy and support. Then the man came to the pastor and confessed that he was having an affair with a member of the church choir. The pastor not only experienced the grief of the potential loss of social friends and the pain he knew it would cause his wife but also the impending scandal that would affect the entire church. Yet he had to bear it alone.
The longer you stay as pastor of a church, the more you are burdened by the secrets with which you are entrusted. It is common wisdom that the pain of grief is often abated by talking about it. As we put words to our traumatic feelings, like the Genesis story of creation, an order begins to emerge out of the chaos. We may still know of the pain but we are less isolated and are able to bear it rather than be consumed by it. Yet the pastor often is not afforded that privilege. S/he carries the pain of secret griefs in isolation. The very community that offers healing to the congregants is denied the pastor.
(to be continued)
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