This is an excerpt from my soon to be published Clergy Vocational Health. It is the final volume of a nine volume series on Clergy health.
Unique Pressures of a Clergy Family
Being the family of a pastor creates a complex dynamic. Sometimes the spouse and even the children can recognize that they too are part of God’s call, but in most cases, it is the pastor who speaks about the call to serve God in the ministry. The family, by virtue of their relationship to the pastor, are drafted.
One of the dynamics of being part of a pastor’s family is that you do not have the same freedom that other members of a church have. However, you react to the pressures of ministry on the pastor, whether in rebellion, compassion, or enthusiasm, it affects the pastor and his or her ministry. That is beyond anyone’s choice. It just is.
Choose Your Response
However, how the family chooses to respond and how the pastor recognizes and can work with those pressures can make a lot of difference in the health of the family. I once read from a Catholic author that the family is our domestic church. I like that phrase because it reminds me that it is one of the more visible ways in which my faith is embodied. How I handle the time pressures of the pastorate, the hopes and disappointments of ministry, and the tensions between the affirmations and the needs for forgiveness can say a lot about my understanding of the Gospel. We are not always in control of the events that occur within our family or our church but we do make choices of how we will respond to those events.
Healthy Conversation
A healthy conversation should take place at least annually within a pastor’s family discussing the meaning of God’s call. In the Reformed faith, there is the belief that not only clergy but all believers have a call from God. It would be healthy for the family of a pastor to discuss not only the pastor’s call but also the call of each member of the family in that current year.
It might begin by each member speaking of one of the positive parts of being part of the pastor’s family and one of the tensions created by being in that position. Then building on the positive affirmations, let each person explore how they feel God is calling them to respond to the pressures and tensions that they have named. Finally, it would be good to create a covenant within the family of how they are going to support each other in responding to the needs of their family for the following year.
Don’t expect it to be easy but do expect it to be fruitful as you journey together as a family in the unique context of being part of the pastor’s family.
