One of the trickier aspects of this whole issue of forgiveness is learning how to forgive yourself. On two previous blogs I have spoken about learning how to forgive God, but now I want to move to the third part of the trilogy. How to forgive yourself.
In my conversations with many clergy, I have often sensed a nagging sense of personal guilt. That can often be covered up by a sense of anger. Anger is often what is called a secondary emotion. That is, anger can be a shield to protect us from other emotions that make us feel more vulnerable. You can test that out by reflecting on something that caused you to get angry. Look behind that anger and see if you cannot identify a more personal feeling.
I might get angry at my child for not obeying some clear direction that I have given. Behind the feeling of anger may be the frustration of feeling ignored by my child. Or I may feel frightened that if she doesn’t listen, she might get hurt. Or I may be feeling like a failure as a father. It is easier to get angry, which distances me from another person, than to acknowledge such other feelings.
Now think of the pastorate and those experiences that make you respond in anger. How often does the feeling of anger arise to cover some feelings of guilt. Someone may criticize you for your lack of visitation of the older members of the congregation. You get angry. The anger may cover up a feeling of being unappreciated for the many other things that you are doing or it may even be a sense of guilt that you are not visiting some members as you would like to. There may be good reasons why your visitation ministry is not at a better level, but you still feel guilty.
Now the question is, can you acknowledge the feelings of guilt and forgive yourself for not living up to your own expectations of what it means to be a good pastor. I often find that a pastor’s expectations of what it means to be a good pastor are even higher than most of the congregation. If you can forgive yourself, then you can move on to examining those feelings and evaluating whether your own expectations are unrealistic and need to be altered.
Forgiving yourself, forgiving God, and with new freedom being able to forgive your neighbor completes the trilogy of the Great Commandment.
