RESEARCH
Ariel pops up and heads to the kitchen for the bottle of
wine and three glasses. “I’ll also get some cheese while
you two begin,” she says.
“So tell me about your research,” I say.
“One day over at the hospital I opened a wrong door by
accident and found one of the hospital’s best surgeons
weeping in the closet. He had just lost a little girl in
surgery. Like the compassionate person he was, he had sat
with the family for over an hour absorbing their pain.
Then he left them with the chaplain. No one noticed him
entering the closet.”
“I guess people are so focused on the family of the
person who has died that they never think about the
impact on the medical staff,” I say.
“I began to do some research,” Phyllis says. “I picked
out about ten surgeons and other doctors or excellent
nurses in the critical care areas. I got the hospital’s
permission to question support staff and administrators
who were close to these people.”
Several years ago, a friend clued me in to the importance
of paying attention to the doctors at the time of death.
TRAUMATIC DEATH
“Marcia tells me that you had a rather traumatic death in
the congregation last month,” Phyllis says.
“I was telling her about young Eric Singer who was killed
in the motorcycle accident,” Marcia says.
“Yeah, the whole congregation was torn apart over that
one,” I say. “Maybe you’re right. That really took it out
of me, too. He was a wonderful kid. I’ll give myself some
extra time to get restored.”
“That’s good,” Phyllis says, “but let me take this a step
further.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“From what Marcia says, you are pretty good at helping
people in your congregation work through difficult
emotional times.”
“It’s a necessary part of our profession,” I say.
“So tell me, Alan, what specifically did you do to help
the Singer family and the congregation face their grief.”
“Nothing really unusual,” I say, “just good pastoral
practice. I spent a lot of time with the various members
of the family, both individually and as a group.”
“What did you do when you were with them?” Phyllis asks.
“Mostly just listened. When people are in deep grief,
they feel as if their lives are in chaos. All the
familiar structures that used to give them a sense of
security have vanished. You understand this. Mostly you
encourage them to tell stories, including hopefully some
fun ones, to remind them of the good memories that they
share
Words help us give form to our feelings and bring some
order to our chaos.”
“And for the congregation?” Phyllis presses.
“Congregations always feel helpless at such times. Deep
pain scares all of us, yet most people don’t know how to
respond. Sometimes they even try to explain why the
tragedy happened, which isn’t helpful to the family at
all.”
PERSONAL NOTES
“Al was at his best during that time,” Marcia says with
pride in her voice. “He told the congregation about the
importance of sending personal notes rather than
preprinted cards or emails. Under his guidance, I think
the congregation responded wonderfully.”
“Who sent personal notes to you, Al?” Phyllis asks.
