The challenge is to discover how a pastor and spouse can have a healthy discussion about finances. This is definitely a work in progress. I’m brainstorming as I go along and not sure what will work best. I do know that such conversations with my spouse over the years was always filled with lots of emotional baggage on both of our parts.
That may be where to begin. We need to recognize that money becomes a symbol for a whole lot more and discussing finances is never a completely rationale process. A first step would be for each person to write a financial biography that they would share and discuss with each other. The biography should include what the financial picture looked like for your family of origin and how that made each of you feel as a child. If there were arguments between your parents, how did you perceive what was going on? Were there particular subjects that frequently caused arguments, such as gift buying, vacations, alchohol expense, etc. All of this is meant to help each of you understand some of the buttons that can be pushed that trigger responses that seem to be more powerful than the immediate subject.
The next step would be to name some of those buttons so that when you are having your own conversation you can mutually recognize what is not helpful. You may even want to agree how you should respond when you recognize that a button has been inadvertently pushed. You should also agree that you will not use these buttons as a weapon in a discussion. For example, you will not say, “You are being irrationale because your father couldn’t deal with that subject either.”
A third step might be to agree to write what the two of you would consider a healthy financial biography for your family. Remember that the key themes are emotions and relationships. What are your hopes for how you would emotionally feel when certain subjects come up? How do you want your children to feel about finances? How do you want your faith to be expressed in terms of how you respond to financial challenges?
Finances are never easy to discuss and the assumption that pastors should be able to live on minimal salaries without complaint increases the stress. It is helpful to take some premptive steps in laying a foundation for a healthy discussion of these subjects.
If you come up with some fresh ways to approach the subject, let me know.
