As clergy, we continually assist others in working through their grief at painful moments in their lives. Books have been written about the stages of grief that include denial, bargaining, anger–internal and external, and acceptance. Many of us have studied those stages in a way that has been helpful to us in our counseling others. What we often fail to recognize is that the pastor also experiences a variety of forms of grief in his or her ministry.
I remember a hospital chaplain friend who was late arriving at a scheduled meeting. He apologized and then explained that there had been a death at the hospital. The grieving family was being ministered to by their own pastor, he said, but he had taken time to offer pastoral attention to the doctor. One of the lessons that he learned as a pastor, he explained, was that few people recognize the emotional cost to doctors when they lose a patient. If it is not attended to, he suggested, over time the doctor will build a shield against the pain and become less compassionate as a doctor.
I think the same thing is true for clergy. When a beloved member of a church dies, a good congregation recognizes and reaches out to the family in their time of grief. The pastor is often a key figure in offering this ministry. But who recognizes and offers grief counseling to the pastor? His or her grief can be intensified if the deceased had been a good friend and supporter for the ministry for several years.
The same type of pastoral grief is experienced when there is an unexpected and tragic death that robs the community of a life cut short. It is not only the grieving family and close friends who want to cry out: “Why?” Yet the pastor is supposed to project a faith that will offer hope to the despairing. S/he is certainly not permitted to wail and question the foundational principals of faith.
In a long pastorate, it is entirely possible for a minister to preside at the funeral of someone with whom s/he has previously celebrated the marriage or even the baptism. These are painful moments for a pastor, and cumulatively over time in a church with even 100 members, this can take its toll on the minister’s emotional, and at times physical health. Unlike the visible family members who are expected to grief publicly, it would appear unseemly for the pastor to cry out “I’m hurting too.”
Many times pastors deny their grief or try to repress it. They may even try to bargain with God. “If I work harder, preach better, attract more families, maybe it will hurt less.”
It is not unusual for a pastor to deal with their grief through anger. Sometimes that anger bursts forth in unrelated incidents. Many times it is turned inward and results in depression. The truth is that the better and more compassionate pastors are, the more forms of grief will eat away at their soul.
