We continue our discussion of issues in ministry stimulated by the third story in Clergy Tales—Tails: When God Wags the Tale, amzn.to/15TORlR
A PASTOR’S GRIEF
Phyllis suggests that the same effects of grief in a parishioner may apply to a clergy’s grief when it is not resolved. Quickly as a group, name five to ten circumstances in the ministry that may cause a pastor to experience personal grief.
HELPING OTHERS WITH THEIR GRIEF
How do you evaluate Paul’s description of how a pastor helps individuals and a congregation deal with their grief?
“Mostly (I) just listened. When people are in deep grief, they feel like their lives are in chaos. All the familiar structures that used to give them a sense of security have vanished. You understand this. Mostly you encourage them to tell stories, including hopefully some fun ones, to remind them of the good memories that they share. Words help us give form to our feelings and bring some order to our chaos.”
How do you evaluate Paul’s description? Are there other strategies that you would add to his list?
CONGREGATIONS FEEL GRIEF TOO
Phyllis asks about how Paul attends to the congregations feelings of grief.
“Congregations always feel helpless at such times. Deep pain scares all of us, yet most people don’t know how to respond. Sometimes they even try to explain why the tragedy happened, which isn’t helpful to the family at all.” He then proceeds to explain how he urges the members to take simple actions like preparing food, writing notes, offering to help out in simple tasks. His suggestion is that this helps the members regain some control over the feelings of helplessness they experience in the face of tragedy.
Are there additional ways you help a congregation respond to grief?
PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN GRIEF
When Phyllis presses Allen about how he attended to his own feelings of grief, he responds:
“There wasn’t time to pay attention to my needs. In addition to the funeral and being present to them, I had a Sunday service coming up, a budget meeting to prepare for, two baptisms, and a newsletter to get out. I think I also had to speak to the custodian about some member’s complaint about cleanup. ”
How often do you find yourself in a similar situation where the demands of ministry don’t offer you the luxury of pausing to attend to your personal feelings?
CUMULATIVE GRIEF
Phyllis presses: “I’ve talked enough with Marcia to know that there are many areas of grief that you experience in the ministry. What I want to suggest to you is that they are cumulative. ”
“I understand what you are saying, but what you don’t understand is that’s just the way it is in the ministry,” I say.
“I don’t doubt that,” says Phyllis. “The question is how does a good pastor handle his or her grief without getting locked in to denial and, like many doctors, building shields around themselves for protection.”
Building on your own understanding of the effects of unresolved grief on individuals, identify some ways that pastors might act out their unresolved grief inappropriately.
Try to formulate three or four strategies for how a pastor can take their grief seriously and avoid being locked into denial.
In the next blog, we will discuss some of the issues raised in the author’s afterword about the nature of ministry in the third volume of Clergy Tales—Tails: When God Wags the Tale, amzn.to/15TORlR
