From family therapy, I learned that problems can either bond or divide a couple. If, for example, long hours at work are affecting the stress level within the family, a couple can either argue about the long hours, or they can join together to strategize how they can resolve the problem. When they have teamed up to solve such a problem, the result will be not only a better response to the problem but also a sense that they are stronger as a couple for having worked together. This concept can be applied to any of the issues affecting a family but today I want to focus on congregational expectations of a pastor and his or her spouse. (As an aside, I think that these issues are affected by whether the clergy is male or female. My guess is that the pressure on the male spouse of a clergy is distinct from what is expected by a female spouse. I would be interested in hearing more about that from male spouses of clergy.)
Again, we are dealing with projections first. Let both the clergy and the spouse make a separate list of what they think the congregation as a whole expects of the clergy spouse. Obviously there are individuals who have their own special expectations, but for now try to conceive of what the general consensus would be within the congregation of the role of a clergy spouse. Since this is a private list to be shared only with each other, it is alright to bring in a little humor and exaggeration in the initial formulation of your lists.
Once each of you have complied your list, share it with each other and see if you can arrive at some consensus of both some reasonable and some unreasonable but never-the-less real expectations of the clergy spouse. Apply the team concept mentioned above to the unreasonable list and how as a couple you might respond.
Tomorrow, we will look at how to apply a reality test to your list.
