A major pressure on clergy families are the expectations, real and perceived. Expectations of others can be difficult to respond to when they affect how we want to live our own personal life. All of us, whether we are in clergy families or not, live our lives in light of the expectations of others. Sometimes we live in conformity with, and sometimes in rebellion against, such expectations. Regardless, we are affected by those expectations. A complicating factor is that sometimes we assume that people expect something from us but it is more in our mind than in reality. So clarifying those assumptions can be a major step in dealing with the pressures of expectations.
For the spouse of a clergy, there are two major sources of expectations that affect him or her. The first is what the clergy spouse expects and the second is what the congregation expects. A third may be what the denominational hierarchy expects but that is for another conversation. Let us begin with the expectations of the clergy and spouse on each other. As a first step, let each of you take a piece of paper and write out five expectations that you assume the other person has of you. In this conversation, write out your assumptions as it relates to being a part of a clergy family, although this is also a useful exercise in other contexts as well. Try to be as honest as possible and willing to test out even vague assumptions that you have always wondered about.
When each of you are finished, share your lists. To keep it a mutual and interesting conversation, let one person share their first assumption, talk about whether the assumption is real in the other person’s mind, and then reverse the process and hear the first assumption of the other person. At this point, don’t try to resolve the problem of the pressure from an expectation but simply clarify whether it is just a projection or is really real. Continue in this mode until all five assumptions of each spouse has been identified and clarified.
More tomorrow.
