Yesterday, you clarified some of your projections of what each of you expect of each other as a spouse within a clergy family. It is interesting to note that the expectations of spouses in clergy families move in both directions. Sometimes, the spouse of a clergy carries certain expectations that as a clergy s/he will do certain things as well as the reverse. In both cases there can be both reasonable and unreasonable expectations of each other.
A next step is to try to come up with a mutually agreed upon list of what each has a right to expect of each other in the context of being the family of a pastor. You may not always like what you expect but you can agree that it is acceptable. For example, both may expect that as part of being in a clergy family, there will be pastoral emergencies that can disrupt family plans. It’s not pleasant, but it is real. On Sunday mornings, a sick child is going to have to be cared for by the non-clergy spouse. You should try to make a list of at least twenty expectations as part of your conversation.
What are the expectations with respect to the spouse’s participation in the church, the role of spiritual discipline in the family, sharing with each other about what is happening in church meetings, counseling sessions, church conflict, etc.? What is the assumption of the respective roles in the context of church conflicts? How are decisions processed between the couple in the consideration of a move to another church?
These and numerous other expectations exist, sometimes unspoken, within the context of a pastor’s family. The clearer a couple can be of what is expected and what is not, the less tension there will be in light of those situations.
