Family Finances
One of the pressures in discussion about finances between a husband and a wife is the issue of guilt. This is an exercise that addresses some of these issues. Let each person answer for the other person how s/he thinks the other person would respond to the question: “If I had $1,000 to spend guilt free, what would I spend it on?” Then check with the other person to see how accurate s/he was.
Now discuss what positive value that dreamed of expenditure represents in the person’s life. The idea here is to move beyond the accusations and identify a positive yearning. For example, if the person would spend the money on a day at a spa, can that reflect a desire to feel good about one’s body? If the money were spent on a night at a poker table, could that express a desire for either relaxed good company or a desire to enjoy a competitive game?
Now reverse the direction and have each person identify when the spending of money makes him or her feel most guilty. When that is shared, discuss how the partner can be supportive in finding a healthy way to cope with that guilt. Sometimes feelings of guilt are a warning against inappropriate behavior but sometimes such feelings come from unresolved issues from one’s past.
It is healthy for both spouses to share the messages that they received about money from their family of origin. Consider some of the following questions. Was money something that was not discussed as a family? Was it a source of argument? Did member of the family try to hide their spending patterns? Did a member of the family create a major crisis in the family by being foolish with money? Look back at your family and make note of what you saw and then talk about how that has impacted your own attitudes and behaviors in your current family.
Having identified the types of messages each of you received from your family of origin, talk about the type of values and attitudes you want to develop for your current family. Think of it as trying to create a family financial biography from which your children will develop their own values and attitudes about money. What do you want them to see in your family life that will create a healthy attitude towards the role of money in their future families?
Out of that discussion, try to identify 5-6 values and practices that you would most want your children to inherit from their experience growing up in the family.
Tomorrow we will look at a way for your whole family to engage in this conversation.
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