Pressure of Expectations
Next let us look at the pressures of expectations. Sometimes we live in conformity with, and sometimes in rebellion against, such expectations. Regardless, we are affected by those expectations. A complicating factor is that sometimes we assume that people expect something from us but it is more in our mind than in reality. So clarifying those assumptions can be a major step in dealing with the pressures of expectations.
As a first step, let each of you take a piece of paper and write out five expectations that you assume the other person has of you as part of a clergy family. Try to be as honest as possible and willing to test out even vague assumptions that you have always wondered about.
When each of you are finished, share your lists. To keep it a mutual and interesting conversation, let one person share their first assumption, talk about whether the assumption is real in the other person’s mind, and then reverse the process and hear the first assumption of the other person. At this point, don’t try to resolve the problem of the pressure from an expectation but simply clarify whether it is just a projection or is really real. Continue in this mode until all five assumptions of each spouse has been identified and clarified.
It is interesting to note that the expectations of spouses in clergy families move in both directions. Sometimes, the spouse of a clergy carries certain expectations that as a clergy s/he will do certain things as well as the reverse. In both cases, there can be both reasonable and unreasonable expectations of each other. We will look at that tomorrow.
