Reasonable and unreasonable Expectations
A next step is to try to come up with a mutually agreed upon list of what each has a right to expect of each other in the context of being the family of a pastor. You may not always like what you expect but you can agree that it is acceptable. For example, both may expect that as part of being in a clergy family, there will be pastoral emergencies that can disrupt family plans. It’s not pleasant, but it is real. On Sunday mornings, a sick child is going to have to be cared for by the non-clergy spouse. You should try to make a list of at least twenty expectations as part of your conversation.
What are the expectations with respect to the spouse’s participation in the church, the role of spiritual discipline in the family, sharing with each other about what is happening in church meetings, counseling sessions, church conflict, etc.? What is the assumption of the respective roles in the context of church conflicts? How are decisions processed between the couple in the consideration of a move to another position.
From family therapy perspective, problems can either bond or divide a couple. If, for example, long hours at work are affecting the stress level within the family, a couple can either argue about the long hours, or they can join together to strategize how they can resolve the problem. When they have teamed up to solve such a problem, the result will be not only a better response to the problem but also a sense that they are stronger as a couple for having worked together.
Again, we are dealing with projections first. Let both the clergy and the spouse make a separate list of what they think the congregation as a whole expects of the clergy spouse and the clergy. Obviously there are individuals who have their own special expectations, but for now try to conceive of what the general consensus would be within the congregation of the role of a clergy spouse and clergy. Since this is a private list to be shared only with each other, it is alright to bring in a little humor and exaggeration in the initial formulation of your lists.
Once each of you have complied your list, share it with each other and see if you can arrive at some consensus of both some reasonable and some unreasonable but never-the-less real expectations of the clergy spouse and clergy. Apply the team concept mentioned above to the unreasonable list and how as a couple you might respond.
