In your communication with the clergy, it would be good to begin by acknowledging the difficulty in discussing finances within any family and the awareness that financial challenges are frequently the source of tension within relationships. Then proceed with offering some suggestions about how one might have a healthy conversation within the family. You might continue your letter by saying something like the following.
It is helpful to take some preemptive steps in laying a foundation for a healthy discussion of these subjects. Conversations with spouses about finances are frequently filled with lots of emotional baggage. That suggests where to begin. We need to recognize that money becomes a symbol for a lot of emotionally laden history and discussing finances is never a completely rationale process.
A first step is for each person to write a financial biography that they share and discuss with each other. The biography includes what the financial picture looked like for his or her family of origin and how that made each feel as a child. If there were arguments between parents, how did each perceive what was going on? Were there particular subjects that frequently caused arguments, such as gift buying, vacations, alcohol expense, etc. All of this is meant to help each understand some of the buttons that, when pushed, trigger responses that seem to be more powerful than the immediate subject would normally indicate.
The next step is to name some of those buttons so that when the couple is having a conversation, each can mutually recognize what is not helpful. The couple should then agree that neither will use these buttons as a weapon in a discussion. They also should agree how each should respond when a button has been inadvertently pushed. For example, it is not helpful to say, “You are being irrational because your father couldn’t deal with that subject either.”
A third step is to write what the couple considers a healthy financial biography for their family. Remember that the key themes are emotions and relationships. How does each want to emotionally feel when certain subjects come up? How do they want their children to feel about finances? How do they want their faith to be expressed in terms of their response to financial challenges?
This could also be a valuable pastor/spouse workshop that presbytery could offer, perhaps with assistance from the Board of Pensions.
