When someone jabs at you, it is important to know how to respond in a way that preserves your dignity but doesn’t involve you in an unnecessary fight. So many squabbles just are not worth the energy and they often require sacrificing your personal sense of dignity. There is a very simple strategy that I learned when I used to lead marriage enrichment classes on conflict. The response required is so contrary to the expected response that it throws your attacker off balance.
When people criticize or attack you, their expectation is that you will respond in kind. In doing so, you allow that person to control the argument. The alternative that can throw them into confusion is to find something in their verbal barrage that you can agree with. In almost all cases, no matter what they say, there is at least a seed of truth in their statement. Your task is to grab onto that element and agree with it. If someone says, “That is the worst sermon that I have ever heard,” you can respond, “I agree that I could have been better in my delivery.” Is there any time that you could not have been better in your delivery? If someone says, “I think what you said is totally stupid,” your response could be,”I agree that I could have presented that in a better way.”
As an experiment, try to create a dialogue with at least four exchanges in which you continually look for the seed of truth that you can say you agree with that doesn’t contradict what you originally were trying to say. What you will find is that it is very frustrating for your attacker for you to constantly say that you agree with something that s/he has said. The added benefit is that you don’t get hooked and you stay in charge of yourself. You might even enjoy it.
