THE SHAME OF IT ALL
(A continuation of reflections on Brene’ Brown’s TED talks on Vulnerability and Shame.)
Brown suggests that shame (I am not worthy) is highly correlated with addiction, obesity, depression, aggression, violence, etc. Since recent studies of clergy health indicate that many of these symptoms have increased dramatically among the clergy, it is worth exploring whether as clergy we may need to speak of shame and our ability to cope with our inner sense of a lack of self-worth.
Remember, you don’t have to do something bad to feel shame. If you did something bad, you can feel guilt, but shame is related to our sense of self-worth. Not, I did bad, but I am bad. Given the fact that the clergy profession is closely connected with the “shoulds and should not’s” of life, we are highly susceptible to all forms of hypocrisy that leaves us feeling inwardly shamed. We may be better at manipulating guilt rather than generating a response to grace both for others, and for ourselves as clergy.
COMING OUT TO OTHER CLERGY
Parish ministry in this country is frequently measured by non-gospel criteria. We proclaim a message of grace, but others judge us by membership, budget and popularity. When we gather with other clergy, it is difficult not to feel measured by those criteria by our colleagues. Yet, if we really want to make deep connection with other clergy, we need to learn how to be vulnerable to each other.
To be vulnerable with our colleagues requires us to accept our self-worth, and be willing to be compassionate to ourselves as well as others. Imagine speaking to someone about our fears and their response is to recite for you a “four step” process to overcoming fear. First, they don’t join with you in sharing their fears. Second, such an easy formula leaves the impression that a more intelligent person would have already known that.
BELIEVING YOU ARE WORTHY
Brown suggests that people who believe they are worthy exhibit three qualities.
First, they demonstrate the courage to allow others to see them as imperfect.
Second, they show compassion both to self and to others.
Third, they are willing to let go of their own image of perfection and that of others and are willing to simply be who they are.
I’m not very satisfied with the way I’ve developed these ideas yet, but I will continue to explore this in another blog.
