One of the important aspects of clergy care is our willingness to permit the congregation to care for us. Many people who work in the area of care of clergy report that one of the bigger resisters to clergy care is the clergy person. Why is it so difficult to allow others to care for our needs as the clergy person?
One can speculate as to why that is.
One factor is that many people who are called to the pastorate are people who gain satisfaction from giving but are not very good at receiving. Clergy could learn a lot about pastoral care by consciously reflecting on how they feel when they are on the receiving end. To give is to be in control and to receive is to be vulnerable and dependent on others. When you give help to another, it often means that you are exercising a kind of power over that other person. They are in need and you give out of your strength. The concept of the wounded healer made popular by Henri Nouwen is easier to talk about than to put into practice.
When we speak of Jesus as one who came to serve rather than be served, we often use that as the rationale for our trying to be strong and generous towards others. Yet it was when Jesus voluntarily placed himself in the power of others, even to suffering on the cross, that we learned what true servant ministry is. It might be that we would become more effective pastors if we were willing to both give and receive care. Perhaps then we could learn how to give in a manner that didn’t make the receiver feel diminished.
I had a member of my congregation whose circumstances made her very needy in a variety of ways. She had two mentally disabled children and a husband whose illness made him unable to work. Her church had rallied around and given her a lot. One day when we were talking about her experience she said something I have never forgotten. “I know that you are familiar with the saying in the Bible about how it is more blessed to give than to receive,” she said. Then she looked me in the eye and said, “I can tell you from experience that it is a hell of a lot easier to give than to receive.”
Sometimes we may be offering good ministry by being willing to allow someone else to serve us.
