It is common wisdom that people work better and are more productive when their family is healthy both physically and dynamically. Pastor’s families face the common stresses of most families but also have some stresses that are unique to being part of a pastor’s family. While everyone wants families to act in acceptable ways, few professions have as many people watching and critiquing their family members on a regular basis as does a pastor. A common image is that the pastor’s family lives in a fish bowl.
In addition, members of the family are quick to pick up on criticism of the pastor and feel both defensive and personally hurt by such attacks. When one hears such criticism, it is natural to want to respond but as members of the pastoral family they are not as free to express themselves as other members are. Over forty years of ministry I have often been amazed at how bluntly cruel some people can be in criticizing the pastor and then to expect that neither the pastor or members of the family will defend in equally as aggressive a manner. It is as if they expect the pastor and family to turn the other cheek but they do not assume a similar expectation of themselves.
One simple act that members can take in support of the family is to occasionally seek out members of the family and express appreciation for not only the pastor’s efforts but some of the sacrifices that the family members have to make as well. I think it would have meant a lot to my children when a congregational emergency interfered with a family event to have received a personal note that acknowledged the sacrifice that the whole family made.
If there has been a particularly stressful period of time in the life of the church, consider what it might mean for the governing board to say to the pastor, we want you to have sabbath day on us. Imagine the reaction of a pastor’s family with young children if they were offered a night at the movies with hot fudge sundaes to follow. It is particularly important to pay special attention to the pressures on a pastor’s spouse. s/he is the one who has to juggle all the schedules, absorb the criticism, and provide emotional support for the pastor when no one else can. What might be a creative way to express appreciation to him or her?
