Recently I learned that a pastor’s spouse had been diagnosed with breast cancer. The word has spread through the congregation, so it is now a concern for the whole congregation. It made me think about how a congregation and its official board can best respond to such a situation. Here are my immediate suggestions.
First, since it is being talked about, it would be good if the leader of the board would, with both the pastor’s permission and that of his spouse, compose a letter informing the congregation of the facts as they are presently known. Make it clear that this is the person people should come to with questions or further conversation. This is to relieve the family of some unneeded pressure.
Second, recognize that this is not a time for the pastor to guide the congregation in how to respond, even if s/he may feel a need to. Invite the congregation to exercise the priesthood of all believers and provide some breathing room for the pastor’s family.
Third, it should be made clear to the official board and anyone else who asks that personal notes, hand written and not commercial cards, are the most powerful expression of support. Emails can work but they are not as effective in offering support. Cards are initially better than phone calls because they don’t demand an immediate response. Besides written notes can be saved and reread when they are helpful.
All of the board should take it upon themselves to write notes to both the pastor and the spouse. Individual notes to each would be best. Even if you do not know what to say, simply say that and offer your support. If you can think of specific ways of support, offer that as well.
Let’s assume for a moment that the pastor is male and his wife has been diagnosed with the cancer. Three or four women who have experienced this type of cancer might offer to take her to lunch, share their individual stories, and make it clear that they are on call whenever any of them can offer support.
The same should take place with respect to the husband. Let three or four men whose wives have had breast cancer, take the pastor our to lunch. Tell him that they have some idea of what he is going through as the spouse and offer to be available on a regular basis for conversation and support.
If the condition worsens, the congregation may also want to explore how to be most supportive of the children, who have their own set of fears to work through.
There is no typical response for either the one diagnoses or the spouse, but both should know that there are individuals available who have been through a similar experience. Each should feel free to choose from among them the individual(s) who they resonate with for further conversation.
Liturgical opportunities for prayer may be very helpful for both the congregation and the pastor’s family. If the condition grows more serious, it may be wise for their to be a regular time of prayer that is not led by the pastor but either by an associate or a lay member.
That’s my initial response. What else would you suggest?
