Why Clergy Are Cautious Around Other Clergy

CAN OTHER CLERGY BE MY FRIEND?

In my work on the issue of loneliness and isolation among clergy, I have seen several references to the issue of competitiveness among clergy. The complexity of ministry and the necessary confidentiality of much of their work makes it difficult for clergy to find genuine confidants with whom to relate. Other clergy, however, have walked similar paths  so they should be natural allies. Yet repeatedly you find more competitiveness than friendship among clergy.

One explanation is that clergy are always in competition for attracting new members. While there may be some truth to that, there are ample unchurched people around so there is no lack of potential new members. As was true in Jesus time, it is still true that “the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.” Matt 9:37

CLERGY SHAME

I have just finished listening for the second time to two lectures on TED talks by Brene’ Brown on shame and vulnerability. You can find them at ted.com/talks/brene_brown. I highly recommend them. Her research on shame and vulnerability have some wisdom for clergy competitiveness.

She distinguishes between shame and guilt. Guilt occurs because you have done something wrong. You can overcome guilt by taking responsibility for your act and demonstrating your apology. “I did it and I am sorry. Please forgive me.” Shame, on the other hand, reflects a sense of self-worth. Guilt is expressed by”I made a mistake.” Shame is expressed by “I am a mistake.”

THE CORE OF THE FAITH

From the beginning of the Scripture, the core of our faith is centered on relationships. When Jesus spoke of the core of the faith, he expressed it in what we call the great commandment: “‘You shall love the Lord your Gold with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'” Matthew 22:37-39  Brene’ Brown suggests that neurological research suggests we are hardwired into the need for relationship with others.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF

Shame results in the fear of disconnection. “I know a secret about myself that if they found out would cause them not to want to be connected with me.” We hide our shame with all sorts of behavior that protects our boundaries. Is it possible that part of our separation from other clergy is based on this shame factor. “If they knew what I really believe, what doubts I have, how rotten I am underneath, they would see me as unworthy to be a pastor.”

If our greatest need is to be connected and the people who are most prepared to understand how complex and challenging our work is are clergy, then if they don’t respect us, who would? Is part of our competitiveness an effort to protect ourselves from those who are in the best position to evaluate our worth?

I will pursue this further in the next blog.